metal
[views:6858][posts:39]___________________________________
[Dec 15,2004 5:20pm - dyingmuse ""]
i got this from our forum
This is the situation: there's a beautiful princess trapped in a castle watched by a dragon. Here's the end of the story with different styles of metalheads as knights.
POWER METAL:
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.
TRASH METAL:
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princes and fucks her.
HEAVY METAL:
The protagonist arrives on a harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few
beers and fucks the princess.
FOLK METAL:
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing acordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls sleep (because of all the dancing). Then all leave....without the princess.
VIKING METAL:
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.
DEATH METAL:
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves.
BLACK METAL:
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomises the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.
GORE METAL:
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time.
DOOM METAL:
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.
PROGRESIVE METAL:
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the "HEAVY METAL" protagonist.
GLAM METAL:
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make-up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color.
NU METAL:
The protagonist arrives in a run-down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.
[Dec 15,2004 5:22pm - retzam ""]
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I love it!
[Dec 15,2004 5:23pm - Rich Horror NLI ""]
That fucking rules.
[Dec 15,2004 5:23pm - dreadkill ""]
ha, that was great
[Dec 15,2004 5:24pm - DaveFromTheGrave ""]
what would Gwar do?
[Dec 15,2004 5:31pm - KeithMutiny ""]
i just laughed for like 5 minutes straight
[Dec 15,2004 5:46pm - damnose ""]
[img]
YOU HAVE RELEASED THE FUCKING FURY, DRAGON!
[Dec 15,2004 7:00pm - swamplorddvm ""]
hahahaha I love the progressive one.
[Dec 15,2004 7:07pm - blue ""]
wow. so freaking amazing.
[Dec 15,2004 7:59pm - Abbath ""]
each one of these should be animated
fucking awesome!
[Dec 15,2004 8:04pm - coldnorthernvengeance ""]
Fucking classic...gotta print this out.
[Dec 15,2004 8:58pm - dyingmuse ""]
yeah they are perfect
[Dec 15,2004 9:06pm - Aegathis nli ""]
"The protagonist arrives in a run-down Honda Civic", i was in a library reading this and crapped my self laughing
[Dec 15,2004 11:16pm - dyingmuse ""]
lol
[Dec 15,2004 11:43pm - Todd(bombshelter) ""]
haha the Gore Metal one is awesome
[Dec 16,2004 10:36am - paganmegan ""]
HAHAHA this is fucking hillarious
[Dec 16,2004 10:42am - kellthevalkyrie ""]
heh. that's pretty freakin' funny.
[Dec 16,2004 10:46am - Christraper ""]
its pretty accurate
[Dec 16,2004 10:50am - largefreakatzero ""]
That's fucking wonderful!
[Dec 16,2004 11:00am - Robdeadskin ""]
I want to be the heavy metal knight...beers, harleys, and a princess...cant go wrong there...forgot the weed though!
[Dec 16,2004 11:17am - Christraper ""]
They forgot Black/Thrash
"The protagonist finds out the princess got herself in trouble after he already ate a bag of mushrooms given to him by the local mage. After smoking a boll and getting lost in the woods for an hour the protagonist finally arrives in his trusty pickup truck, doesnt realize that there REALLY IS A DRAGON THERE and ends up running the thing over. When he finally figures out how to stop the car the protagonist realizes he's locked himself out of the castle and has to go back for the keys. Three hours later after getting something to eat he comes back peaking on the shrooms he ate and decides to run around in the castle, completely forgetting that theres still a princess upstairs waiting to be saved untill he accidentally stumbles into her room. He fucks her, smokes another boll and goes to sleep."
[Dec 16,2004 11:53am - suckreligion ""]
BURNINATING THE PEASANTS... and the THATCH-ROOFED HOUSES!!!!!! THATCH-ROOFED HOUSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Dec 16,2004 12:07pm - Christraper ""]
BURNINATING STUUUUUFF!!!!!
[Dec 16,2004 12:10pm - Christraper ""]
TROGDOR WAS A MAAAAN! TROGDOR WAS A DRAGON MAAAN! OR MAYBE HE WAS JUST A MAN BUT HE WAS STILL TROGDOOOOOOORRRR!!!!!!
:doublehorns:
[Dec 16,2004 12:11pm - Kessaris ""]
Nu-Metal: The protaganist arrives playing a $75 Ibanez with a metal zone pedal. The dragon is really dumb and gets into it. They do a sincrinized nu metal jump. The princess, dragon, and protaganist all decide that they don't need to fight, so they get in the Honda civic and drive to hot topic listening to Breaking Benjamin the whole way. The dragon then listens to Nevermore while walking past me and realizes it's awesome and disowns the protaganist and the princess. He decides he would rather eat people with taste.
Power metal: There is no protaganist...just Blind Guardian and Rhapsody. They have written so many songs on this subject, they know what to do. Blind Guardian and Rhapsody gather around for some nice bukake
Prog: James Labrie tickles the dragon's chin...the dragon tells him to sing in key and kills him.
Death: Vital Remains come in and fuck shit up...enough said.
Thrash: Testament, Exodus, Slayer, Megadeth, Metallica all go into the cave. Shadows Fall tell them that they are thrash, but they are left behind to lead the village to shelter because that aren't thrash...Testament and Exodus are the only 2 bands that leave still being thrash. Slayer decides to show up in Sum 41 videos and let Lil' John sample their stuff and insult everyone else in the cave. Megadeth disbands while in the cave several times before Dave Mustaine punches Lars in the mouth...lars then comes onto Dave and Dave just decides to leave. Metallica decide to cut their hair and ditch everyone else.
[Dec 16,2004 12:11pm - litacore ""]
that was so funny. I'm printing it.
[Dec 16,2004 12:13pm - Kessaris ""]
Gwar: The dragon looks at them angry, but then they begin to play and the dragon witnessese the greatest metal show ever. The princess goes off and has sex with David Lee Roth.
[Dec 16,2004 12:14pm - paganmegan ""]
hang it on the practice space wall next to the 100 ways to piss off a metalhead
[Dec 16,2004 1:10pm - dave from the grave nli ""]
Kessaris said:Gwar: The dragon looks at them angry, but then they begin to play and the dragon witnessese the greatest metal show ever. The princess goes off and has sex with David Lee Roth.
hahahaahahaha, I liked the surprise ending to that story.
[Dec 16,2004 1:38pm - ShadowSD ""]
Thanks for posting that, Dan, that shit is hilarious...
[Dec 16,2004 3:33pm - androgynous ""]
ya right real power metal would have a guy come up in chain mail wail the dragon to death then "slake the steel in the princess......in an enchanted wood.
one for hardcore.
the kid comes up with a train conductors hat on strats doing kicks two inches away from the dragon, then thinks to pull out a weopon from his really tight back pack realises he has nothing in that mosh pack like usual its just a decoration so the dragon moshes him metal style to death
[Dec 16,2004 3:37pm - androgynous ""]
wail as in power metal wail as in "wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
[Dec 16,2004 3:45pm - Christraper ""]
hahaha yea dude the power metal guy wins by busting the dragons eardrums with his high pitched siren shriek
[Dec 16,2004 3:49pm - Abbath ""]
along with a 25 minutes guitar solo of boredom
[Dec 16,2004 3:53pm - Christraper ""]
i like guitar solos.....
[Dec 16,2004 4:00pm - Abbath ""]
oh i do too, except power metal solos go on..... forever
[Dec 16,2004 4:02pm - Christraper ""]
yea youre right....i dunno, its cool if its a wicked long solo progression and the two guys are trading solos and shit but other than that long ass solos are kinda boring
[Dec 17,2004 3:04pm - androgynous ""]
the best solos are dualing keyboard guitar solos
[Dec 17,2004 3:10pm - dirteecrayon ""]
i posted this in my lj and next to "progressive" i put my friends name
here's his response
"Good! We don't want to waste time on those high maintenance bitches if we're to get anything important done...like practicing!
"
spoken like a true berklee grad heh
[Dec 17,2004 3:37pm - damnose ""]
dirteecrayon said:i posted this in my lj and next to "progressive" i put my friends name
here's his response
"Good! We don't want to waste time on those high maintenance bitches if we're to get anything important done...like practicing!
"
spoken like a true berklee grad heh
ah, rich! he does seem to find the time for ladies somehow though