The Real Chuck Norris[views:5856][posts:25]__________________________________ [Nov 3,2005 10:22pm - Dankill ""] Chuck Norris fun facts!!!! Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard. Chuck Norris had his own version of Punk'd. Only in his version, he would walk around and roundhouse kick people in the throats. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks. (I guess even Chuck can be wrong sometimes.) The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya". When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris." Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris. Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won. (See? He saw the error of his ways.) When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong. At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change. In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife. Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier. Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face. |
| ____________________________________ [Nov 3,2005 10:23pm - IMADOUCHE ""] 9 |
| ______________________________________ [Nov 3,2005 10:33pm - Anthony nli ""] hahaha, one of the best threads ive seen in a long time |
| ______________________________________ [Nov 8,2005 10:21pm - Anthony nli ""] this is fucking hilarious and needs to be bumped, that gay "IMADOUCHE" made it so that no one noticed this. |
| ________________________________________________ [Nov 8,2005 10:32pm - mark fucking richards ""] first time i read all of these, i nearly died laughing. |
| ______________________________________________ [Nov 8,2005 10:35pm - BobNOMAAMRooney nli ""] Is this like that random Vin Diesel fact generator? Vin Diesel v. Chuck Norris in THUNDERDOME |
| ___________________________________ [Nov 8,2005 11:00pm - dreadkill ""] i love chuck norris. i want to have his ass babies. i shaved my chuck norris beard the other day because it itched too much. |
| _____________________________________ [Nov 8,2005 11:16pm - AUTOPSY_666 ""] Chuck Norris and John Dwyer have the same birthday, March 10th. |
| ________________________________________________ [Nov 8,2005 11:21pm - whiskey_weed_and_women ""] AUTOPSY_666 said:Chuck Norris and John Dwyer have the same birthday, March 10th. wow, way to talk about yourself in the third person |
| __________________________________ [Nov 8,2005 11:24pm - Aegathis ""] AUTOPSY_666 said:Chuck Norris and John Dwyer have the same birthday, March 10th. Yea but hes like 30 years older than you |
| __________________________________ [Nov 9,2005 12:15am - powerkok ""] OMG thats is fucking hilarious. I just shat a little bit. |
| ______________________________ [Nov 9,2005 1:01pm - Yeti ""] giggity giggity oh i pooped a little ooooooh thaaaaatsss naaaaassstttyyy |
| ___________________________________ [Nov 9,2005 1:13pm - Hoser NLI ""] I think that I puked in my mouth a little. |
| _______________________________________ [Nov 9,2005 1:29pm - DestroyYouAlot ""] Fucking brilliant. In an entirely un-related note, Chuck Norris once hit on my sister. Who was, at the time, one of his fucking bodyguards. I'm seriously not kidding, here, you couldn't pay me enough to mess with my sister. 130 pounds and more different colored belts than an Atreyu concert. Oh, and I forgot: BILL BRASKY!!! |
| ___________________________________ [Nov 9,2005 1:33pm - MyDeadDoll ""] Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won. What do Asian babies taste like? |
| ________________________________________ [Nov 9,2005 1:40pm - dreadedsilence ""] MyDeadDoll said:Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won. What do Asian babies taste like? it doesn't matter, you're just gonna be hungry again in an hour |
| ___________________________________ [Nov 9,2005 1:47pm - MyDeadDoll ""] that's disappointing |
| _______________________________ [Nov 9,2005 1:52pm - Beakey ""] I can't believe that nobody noticed him replacing Carlton on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air!!! |
| ___________________________________________ [Nov 9,2005 2:41pm - strangles kittens ""] anything with chuck norris is gold! |
| ______________________________ [Nov 9,2005 3:20pm - jesus ""] best thread ever |
| _________________________________________ [Nov 9,2005 3:41pm - largefreakatzero ""] dreadkill said:i shaved my chuck norris beard the other day because it itched too much. Be careful, that move might anger Chuck and buy you a ticket to roundhouse city. |
| __________________________________ [Nov 9,2005 4:38pm - dreadkill ""] largefreakatzero said:dreadkill said:i shaved my chuck norris beard the other day because it itched too much. Be careful, that move might anger Chuck and buy you a ticket to roundhouse city. i'm already growing it back. don't tell him i shaved or he'll use his awesomeness to make me explode. |
| _________________________________ [Nov 9,2005 6:49pm - Dankill ""] "Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch!" "Bill Brasky is the father of every kid in this town!" "Bill Brasky once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!" "One time I was with Brasky in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Brasky goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Bill Brasky! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'Billbrasky' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'" "He'd eat a homeless person if you dared him!" "His poop is used as currency in Argentina." "He sweats Gatorade" "He once breast-fed a flamingo back to health." "He hated Mexicans! And he was half Mexican! .......And he hated irony!" "I once saw him scissor kick Angela Landsbury." "He sheds his skin once a year." "He makes brooms somewhere in Georgia." "He did 3 tours in 'Nam...... I was in Corpus Christi on business a month ago. I had this eight foot tall Asian waiter, which made me curious. I asked him his name. Sure enough it's Ho Tran Brasky!" "I once saw him eat a whole live chicken." "His favorite movie is 'One on One' with Robby Benson." "He sleeps eight hours a night! ........ well, he was pretty normal when it came to that." "Bill Brasky was a two ton man-mountain who could palm a medicine ball!" "Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off looking for a bar and we can't find one. Finally Brasky takes me to a vacant lot and says, 'Here we are.' We sat there for a year and a half and sure enough someone constructs a bar around us. The day they opened we ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Brasky yelled over the roar of the flames, 'Always leave things the way you found em!'" "Bill Brasky had a four day heart attack...a day for each chamber. At the autopsy, they said his heart looked like a basketball filled with riccotta cheese." "He once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road." "He taught me how to make love to a woman, and how to scold a child." "They found $60 in change in his stomach." "He did all the makeup on the 'Planet of the Apes' movie." "He grew a 3rd arm and kept it in a vault." "Brasky drank a full glass of liquid LSD with his eggs. Then he slept for 8 months straight. When he woke he rubbed his eyes and said, 'All in all, I prefer gin.'" "They say Gene Roddenbery got the idea for Star Trek from listening to Brasky talk in his sleep." "He date raped David Bowie." "He once inhaled a seagull." "The Pope told him it was ok to have a mistress." "It was the sight of Brasky's naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane." "He once had sex with a cigarette machine." "He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident." "He uses the Shroud of Turin as a golf towel." "He once ate the Bible while water skiing." "He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls." "He sired a baseball team.. an orchestra if you count the bastards!" "You know, he would shoot whiskey into his neck with a syringe!" "He has dandruff the size of mice!" "He jogged with a fridge on his back!" "Bill Brasky was a 10 foot monster who slept with all our wives! And punched us all in the face! And we loved him for it!" "His first name is Bill! ....... I'm drunk." "He's a ten foot tall beastman who showers in vodka and feeds his baby shrimp scampi." "He orchestrated the merger between Unicef and Smith & Wessen." "He went public with his own buttocks and made $7 million." "Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky went hunting? Brasky decides he's going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits. He stalks and kills every one of them with a machette. They all begged for their lives...except Fleagle." "We once had a bachelor party for Brasky. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it." "Brasky once hosted the Grammys and gave every award to Corey Hart." "He has a toenail on the end of his penis." "Brasky once got his wife pregnant and gave birth to a delicious 16 ounce steak. The after birth was sauteed mushrooms." "Brasky's family crest is a picture of a baracudda eating Neil Armstrong." "Brasky ranked 18th in the AP College Football Pool." "Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky was in a production of, 'The King & I?' On opening night, Brasky chloroforms the entire cast and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours. The production got pretty good reviews." "He breastfeeds John Madden." "Brasky named the group Sha-Na-Na. They did NOT want to be called that." "If you drop a phonograph needle on Brasky's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' 'Pet Sounds.'" "They use Brasky's foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee stadium." "Brasky directed that commercial where the women play basketball in high heels." "All the 'Yes' album covers are Brasky family photos." "He wears a live rattlesnake as a condom." "Did I ever tell you about the time he taught his son how to drive? He did it by entering him in the Indy 500. The kid wrecked and died. Brasky said it would've happened sometime." "Brasky's semen can form into a liquid human - like the guy from 'Terminator 2'" "Brasky still believes in Santa Claus, and he wants to put him in porno films." "He thinks that Iron Man is gay." "He framed Roger Rabbit." "The character of Johnny Appleseed was based on Brasky - except for the apple tree planting and not raping men." "He gave a handjob to a manta ray." |
| ______________________________________________ [Nov 9,2005 6:54pm - kadoogie howser M.D. ""] holy shit that was fucking incredibly hilarious. the first thing i mean. |
| ___________________________________ [Nov 10,2005 9:57am - dreadkill ""] i watched walker texas ranger last night for the first time in a couple weeks. i only get to see it at my girlfriend's house now because i don't get the hallmark channel or upn 38 down here in shitty new bedford. if chuck found out i haven't been able to watch faithfully, he'd scratch my eyes out with his beard or blow up the cable company down here for not providing me with walker. |
| ____________________________________ [Nov 15,2005 10:48pm - dreadkill ""] missing in action is on spike tv right now. after one of the commercial breaks, the hosts on spike tv asked a comedian if he thought chuck norris was the real deal or just a hollywood tough guy. the guy said he thought he could take chuck. i hope chuck hears about it and roundhouse kicks him in the face. |