I was looking to trade a video game on Craigslist and ran into this.[views:3069][posts:6]________________________________________ [Jul 12,2009 11:50am - blownupjampad ""] MY BOOK - "PISSING ON THE PULSE OF THE PLANET"! - $10 (South Shore) I am selling copies of my new comedy book PISSING ON THE PULSE OF THE PLANET for $10. Watch my new webisode GERM OF A NEW INSANITY on Blip.tv - http://germofanewinsanity.blip.tv Watch our video content on Will Ferrell's new comedy site FUNNY OR DIE - http://www.funnyordie.com/wickidpissa/videos Read the except below. It is hilarious and perfect bathroom reading. Best, JOSH MITCHELL WICKID PISSA FILMS http://www.wickidpissapublicity.com THE BIRTH OF A BOSTON BASTARD – BY JOSH MITCHELL I flew out of my mother’s womb at warp speed and I remember feeling seasick as my matriarch’s grunts zapped me through her uterus. But, before I could hurl or use my camera phone to document the once in a lifetime experience – POW! The light hit, the cigars got passed out, and I was a champ. I was an ugly little bastard. My parents diapered the wrong end for six months. I had a pacifier and a year supply of Gerber stuck in my anus for six years. Kids in the neighborhood thought my rectum was a buffet. Boy did they find out the hard way. At two months, I survived my first bath and slept through The Who’s Tommy. My bottle was way more interesting than any rock opera. Plus, I couldn't even stand. How was a movie about pinball going to grab my undeveloped attention? I barely knew I had feet. At eight months, I was the peek-a-boo wizard. I had my patty cake and nibbled on it too. I only had two teeth. What did you want? I loved attention. My favorite activity was to pull people’s shirts up and tickle their bellybutton. Maybe that’s why years later I still sleep with Tickle Me Elmo. Mine’s a little different though. I bought a regular stuffed Elmo and jammed a vibrator up its ass. It’s cheaper and more proficient. My infancy was filled with an array of accidents, allergies and operations. I was born circumcised. Good thing, because there was no way doctors were going to be able to chop any excess skin off of my one-eyed diaper snake. Whose idea was it anyway to slice off a portion of a baby’s dick? I’d like to kick them in their droopy adult balls. I was lucky. At age zero, my newborn love pellets were like two firm balloons full of wet concrete. Those things couldn't have come off if they wanted to. At 14 months, I loved being nude. I was much more active and liberated when I was in my birthday suit. I didn't have to worry about my mother dressing me up in cheesy Cookie Monster outfits. Plus, I wanted to show off the chainsaw scars on my wicked willy from when the doctors tried to circumcise me. Being a baby was awesome. You shit your pants, someone changes you. You’re hungry, someone feeds you. It's not a Happy Meal either. It's boobs. Great if you have a “yummy-mummy,” bad if your mother’s Rosie O'Donnell. I bet Jessica Alba's kid will be searching for the fountain of youth by the time he's one. At 16 months, I started crawling on my belly, slithering like a slimy snake, picking up dust and eating it. My favorite delicacy was lint on rye with gut grime. Between you and me, I stole the recipe from Emeril but he used multigrain instead of rye. I took my first steps on my first birthday – an unwrapped gift from God. “That’s one small step, one huge pain in the ass for the rest of the world.” My parents scared the snot out of me singing “Happy Birthday” to me. They sounded like two retarded llamas strangling each other. For presents, I got a Slinky, a musical walker, and my first erection – compliments of Vanna White. At age two, I contracted diarrhea of the oral cavity. I had such a big mouth that I could sing a duet. I craved the spotlight and flying off my yapper was a way to acquire it. I ditched my Extra-Terrestrial looks for a more sophisticated vibe. Kindergarten was just around the corner and if I wanted chicks to finger-paint with me, I had to step up my game. Barney wasn’t around back then – Big Bird was the man. Forget Tommy Hilfiger, I had Oscar the Grouch. Clothes that said stuff, stuff like: “I’m two, I shit my pants, and if you laugh I’ll smudge my soiled diaper in your mouth.” OK, at three: I ditched my bottle, I wore underwear consistently, and I quit sucking milk from my mother’s sweet cream udders. A habit, I’m happy to admit, I have refrained from ever since. I’m a night crawler now. I come in the still of the night and leave small traces of my nightly naughtiness: marker on the couch, blobs of sugar on the kitchen floor, lipstick on the wall. I’m a surrealist, creating abstract art with my mother’s cosmetics and cooking materials. I squirted on the floor once and called it: “Jackson Pollock: he had paint, I had bodily functions.” It was critically acclaimed by the pre-school. They called me “Picasso with a pacifier.” Ever since I was a baby, all I’ve ever wanted to do was suck. Finally, 30 years later, my dream has come true. * Location: South Shore * it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests PostingID: 1258147457 |
| _______________________________________ [Jul 12,2009 11:53am - SkinSandwich ""] sweet cream udders FTW |
| _______________________________ [Jul 12,2009 12:10pm - blue ""] Jesus that was amazing |
| ___________________________________ [Jul 12,2009 5:33pm - dreadkill ""] i need this book. |
| _____________________________________ [Jul 12,2009 8:45pm - I_am_not_me ""] "A video game" Which? But yes, that is awesome. |
| _______________________________________ [Jul 12,2009 9:35pm - blownupjampad ""] Little Big Planet so far the best trade I can find is Dead Space |
| _____________________________________ [Jul 12,2009 9:39pm - xanonymousx ""] blownupjampad said:Little Big Planet so far the best trade I can find is Dead Space http://www.gogamer.com/viewproduct.htm?productId=66061132 |